What drives a person to cheat on their significant other?

Growing up, I was cheated on several times and so I could never do the cheating - I know how I felt so I could never do that to another person - but I don't understand how some people can say "well I wasn't getting such and such at home" and blah blah blah!

I am sure there are many circumstances that surround cheating, but is it really worth it in the long run?

And even if you don't get caught, you still have to live with yourself knowing you did something you shouldn't have...

Anyone care to interject?

I believe that people cheat because something is not right-whether they are NOT getting their needs met (either physically or emotionally) or they are just cads.

I confess that I cheated on my first husband. It wasn't something that I intended on doing-just something that happened (with his best friend, too  :o :o ). I knew exactly what it was-a one night stand that wasn't going to go anywhere but even with that, he treated me more like a woman than my husband EVER did-that was actually the beginning of the end of our marriage. (Not because of that-he never knew about it as far as I know but because I realized what I was missing in my marriage).

With Carlos on the other hand, things are WONDERFUL and the thought of doing that to him is just unthinkable. That is something I would NEVER do.


Cat

You know what Cat - if I could give you more kama I would - for being so honest!
;)

I am not naive, I just don't see or I guess understand how one can cheat, without even giving their significant other a chance to change things before doing something so drastic. Obviously, we live in a world where not everyone can openly discuss their needs and wants for fear that they are going to get looked at differently, but seriously - wouldn't it be easier to just come right out and say "Babe - I'm horny as hell, and I love when you make me cum! What can I do in order to make this happen?" Or something??!!??

The cheerleader cheated on me (several times) and I probably was an idiot to stay with her, but if it hadn't been for her I may not be where I am now.

The furthest I've taken cheating is kissing another girl and sleeping in the same bed with them (no sex) while dating another.  In that case I was dating long-distance and it wasn't serious at that point.  I can't explain why people cheat in general, but for me there was definitely something lacking in the relationship, plus the thrill of something new (I'd say taboo but it seems to be so common anymore).  I don't intend to cheat on anybody, and there's a bit of guilt that goes along with the consequences.


...but seriously - wouldn't it be easier to just come right out and say "Babe - I'm horny as hell, and I love when you make me cum! What can I do in order to make this happen?" Or something??!!??


I can say that didn't work in my near-sexless marriage.  And that was one relationship where I DIDN'T cheat but if others were in my sitch they'd probably think it would be warranted.

Rosie & I became great friends over those four years  :D

I vividly remember the opening six months of mine and Mel's time together. Literally the day we met, (September 5, 1999 as any good fiancée would know) we fell in love, and decided that it was worth being together, giving everything a shot. From that moment on we were literally inseparable until I became acquainted with Mel's friends Scott and Liam.

Scott was an easy one to deal with. More homosexual than a fruitcake and with more Broadway musical knowledge than is safe enough for one person to handle. Liam, on the other hand, was an utterly different case. Much less timid than I or Mel, he constantly made his feelings towards Mel known to me both in and out of my company. It was with him, stronger hands but colder heart, that Mel decided things would work better. Every day of our first two years together, I would be transported either home, while Mel went to her own house, hung out with her parents and her sister...

..and Liam. I could not believe the guy. When he knew such an area was unexplored territory to me, I pretty much assumed that I could trust him to not do anything stupid. But on it went. I had no idea what to do at this point and the cycle continued for the following three months or so.

Suddenly in the New Year of 2000, my grandma died. I went to the funeral on Tuesday, January 11, and suddenly something grandma told me just six weeks previously came to me. "Matt, if there's one thing you do before you realize you're no longer around any more, simply let the girl know that you love her and will always be there for her, no matter what."

A certain amount of swallowing my own foolish pride later, I realized that I had no idea what to do in this situation. Do I just leave someone hanging at the time they most need me, or do I rush to their rescue while they are compromising their situation? Naturally inexperienced, I headed for the latter, and having decided to do so, time and time again, I now could not be happier, or more fulfilled in having made such a decision.

And to think that in eight days time, me and Mel celebrate our eighth year of being somehow attached to each other, is a wonderful yet frightening thought..

You know what Cat - if I could give you more kama I would - for being so honest!
;)

I am not naive, I just don't see or I guess understand how one can cheat, without even giving their significant other a chance to change things before doing something so drastic. Obviously, we live in a world where not everyone can openly discuss their needs and wants for fear that they are going to get looked at differently, but seriously - wouldn't it be easier to just come right out and say "Babe - I'm horny as hell, and I love when you make me cum! What can I do in order to make this happen?" Or something??!!??



The funny thing about my marriage, when he was home, my libido was not. He went TDY for a month (when I had the affair) and I was hornier than hell. When he got home, my libido went out the window. Then he ended up in the hospital (for rehab) and I got horny again. He came home and again, my libido disappeared. Then something really clicked in me. "Hmmm, what is wrong with this picture?". I then realized that HE did not do it for me-not sexually, and especially not emotionally. That was when I filed for divorce.


Cat

...Then something really clicked in me. "Hmmm, what is wrong with this picture?". I then realized that HE did not do it for me-not sexually, and especially not emotionally. That was when I filed for divorce.


Cat


I would have to say that was the best decision Cat! Now you have The Don and all is well! 8) ;)

Here is something: on topic but a little off topic.

Everyone knows that I live in an Army community.
How is it that spouses can have affairs on their partners while they are away, fighting for freedom, and they don't think there is anything wrong with it? Furthermore, how can the spouse that is deployed, cheat while over there with someone they work with daily, knowing full well that their spouses is home keeping the fires lit for them? This is something that truly pisses me off! I can't even count the number of spouses I know that are cheating! And to top things off, it is their husbands money that they are using to go out and cheat with! (And yes, I do know that it happens everywhere - not just in Military communites) It makes me sick to know that these people have no regard whatsoever about their spouse, how much danger they are in daily, yet the 'wife' is out having the time of her life instead of staying faithful.

Makes me sick for real!

I would have to say that was the best decision Cat! Now you have The Don and all is well! 8) ;)

Here is something: on topic but a little off topic.

Everyone knows that I live in an Army community.
How is it that spouses can have affairs on their partners while they are away, fighting for freedom, and they don't think there is anything wrong with it? Furthermore, how can the spouse that is deployed, cheat while over there with someone they work with daily, knowing full well that their spouses is home keeping the fires lit for them? This is something that truly pisses me off! I can't even count the number of spouses I know that are cheating! And to top things off, it is their husbands money that they are using to go out and cheat with! (And yes, I do know that it happens everywhere - not just in Military communites) It makes me sick to know that these people have no regard whatsoever about their spouse, how much danger they are in daily, yet the 'wife' is out having the time of her life instead of staying faithful.

Makes me sick for real!


That happened to a friend of mine. He was in the military, and he married this skank bitch that a LOT of people had warned him about. Didn't do any good, he married her, and, just as predicted, she started cheating on him. They divorced a while back, and apparently she's still a big ol' slut.

Same for my other friend, except it was their spouse that was in the military and they were cheating. Ass.

I had a brief affair during my first marriage with a secretary where I worked.  One night I had to work late, she staid to "help", and one thing led to another.  The affair lasted about 3 weeks and I felt lousy about it.  Then, many years later, she had a dry affair,  which led to our divorce, mostly because she wouldn't give him up.  That's when I met Cat.  She was a student at the college where I taught.  Quite the scandal.

That happened to a friend of mine. He was in the military, and he married this skank bitch that a LOT of people had warned him about. Didn't do any good, he married her, and, just as predicted, she started cheating on him. They divorced a while back, and apparently she's still a big ol' slut.

Same for my other friend, except it was their spouse that was in the military and they were cheating. Ass.

It sucks ass alright!

And you would think that even if people are warning their friends about someone, they would listen. But love is blind and stupid so they go ahead and do it! I realize it goes on in the 'public' if you will, I guess being in a Military community - I just notice it even more. Thing is - they are even effing discrete about it - they go out to the clubs and the malls and such and flaunt their boyfriends right in front of other wives!

You seem to have that student/teacher thing down pat, Carlos.  ;)

(jeez, nowadays it would be a countrywide news circus for a week, and everyone would want someone to go to jail.  ::))

Ant



When he had the "fling" with his teacher-he was 18-age of consent. When we started dating, I was considered a "non-trad" and MUCH older than most of the students and definitely much older than the age of consent. So, no media circus-unless it was for some "adult" magazine.  ;)


Cat

I once cheated on my left hand with my right hand.  Then one night I brought them together and we had a gang bang :D


"A gang bang is a game we play, it's something of a joke
It's lots of hokey pokey, less hoke and lots of poke"

;D

I have to say, there has always been an issue that I have struggled with.

When the wife & I first agreed to be together, I asked her for one weekend, before it became official, so that I could get the last "single man urges" out of my system.
She agreed to it.

However, she followed me up to where I was going, which was to a friend's house, who had shown interest in me. I was going to explain that I couldn't just float between two women (I hadn't done anything with either of them, at this point). The wife insisted that she spend the night there, with my friend & I. When we thought she was asleep (and I almost was), the friend started forcing me to have sex with her, even though I expressed that I didn't feel right about it. The wife got up, and ran out crying.

I was not a man who could say "no" easily.
For the longest time, I felt as though I had no way of coming out intact- I lost my 'friend', and nearly lost my wife. She made me to feel as if it were cheating, and I didn't really feel as if it was.
-Keep in mind, we hadn't really gotten together yet.

She held it against me for the longest time, until I was basically forced to beg for forgiveness.
I even prayed to God, on the grounds that yes, I did cheat. I was honest about it, but it has always bothered me since.

While I admit it was wrong to have sex with her there, and I said so, and I tried to stop it from happening, I have never felt fully comfortable with the viewpoint.
I am left in a perpetual state of confusion.

I have to say, there has always been an issue that I have struggled with.

When the wife & I first agreed to be together, I asked her for one weekend, before it became official, so that I could get the last "single man urges" out of my system.
She agreed to it.

However, she followed me up to where I was going, which was to a friend's house, who had shown interest in me. I was going to explain that I couldn't just float between two women (I hadn't done anything with either of them, at this point). The wife insisted that she spend the night there, with my friend & I. When we thought she was asleep (and I almost was), the friend started forcing me to have sex with her, even though I expressed that I didn't feel right about it. The wife got up, and ran out crying.

I was not a man who could say "no" easily.
For the longest time, I felt as though I had no way of coming out intact- I lost my 'friend', and nearly lost my wife. She made me to feel as if it were cheating, and I didn't really feel as if it was.
-Keep in mind, we hadn't really gotten together yet.

She held it against me for the longest time, until I was basically forced to beg for forgiveness.
I even prayed to God, on the grounds that yes, I did cheat. I was honest about it, but it has always bothered me since.

While I admit it was wrong to have sex with her there, and I said so, and I tried to stop it from happening, I have never felt fully comfortable with the viewpoint.
I am left in a perpetual state of confusion.


Falco, from what I gather reading your post, let me give you my viewpoint on the situation...

Most women would view this the same I believe. Whether you asked for the weekend to sow your oats or not, the INTENT to be with your wife was laid down already. It wouldn't matter to some women from that point on - you were together and thus it would be deemed cheating. No matter how you try to justify it, it will always be thought of the same to her. You had decided to be together, decided that she was the one, decided there would be no more, so in going to see this other female and no matter how hard you tried not to have sex with her, you did. The wife had no other viewpoint - it was cheating to her. (Let me also add that even if sex weren't involved, if it was just the innocense of a kiss, that would still be considered cheating)

That is just how a lot of women think. You could argue the point until you are blue in the face, shoot, you could even cut off a hand to prove something, but in the end it would still be viewed the same way. The same goes for your "trying to stop it from happening" - some women don't believe that another woman could be so forceful that you would have to have sex in order to get her off your back. That's just the way some women think. (I use the term 'some women' because not every single woman thinks the same so I do not want to offend)

Kudos for you sucking it up and begging for forgiveness even when you think you were right. 9 times out of 10 though darlin', the woman is right. ;)

I only cheated once.  My ex-girlfriend and I wanted to get back together and we "got back together" before she officially broke up with her boyfriend. 

I knew it wasn't the right thing to do even then.  We were both young and totally horny.  Her boyfriend found out.  That's how she broke up with him.  He said the only thing she could do that was unforgivable was sleep with another man.  So she said, "that's what I did." 

I didn't really feel bad for the guy.  He was a business school schmuck.  It was still wrong of me, though, even though she's the one who instigated it.

I think cheating is a serious problem and people don't take commitment seriously enough.  With cheating, all parties involved usually end up hurt. 

I have never known a girlfriend of mine to cheat on me, which is not to say it never happened.  If it did, I never found out.  I have a one strike and you're out policy when it comes to cheating.  If I found out a woman cheated on me even once, I would send her packing.  She did it once, she'll do it again.  Make a clean break and X her out of your life all together.  It might hurt, but then you have nothing to worry about.

I would suggest this same procedure for women, perhaps more so.
::)